An Old Flame
by desperate4grace
Summary: Bensidy's beginnings. Begins as Lost Reputation ends. Characters not mine.
1. Night

Olivia stared at the papers without really seeing the yet to be completed reports that covered her desk. Today had been a sucker punch of a day in the midst of week of no good, horrible bad days. Cragen. Cassidy. Foster.

The Interim Captain was right. She had to stop thinking about Foster's daughter. Foster and Delia had put the child at risk. Not her. But pushing her concern about the child's future and her involvement in the situation to the side only allowed room for thoughts of Cassidy to invade her mind. She sighed. The paperwork would have to wait. The Captain had told her to go, and maybe tonight that was best. She put away the paperwork and gathered her purse. She waived to the lone Uni who had been keeping her company in the quiet squad room.

As she waited for the elevator she couldn't help but think of Cassidy. He'd had a relationship with Carissa. They'd spoken about the affair briefly in the hospital. She'd needed to confirm Ganzel's story for Foster. She'd kept the conversation to the facts. She was doing her job, saving Cragen. Now as the blur and the adrenaline from the charge started to fade, she let the facts sink into her heart. She had been ready, finally, after all these years, to pursue a relationship with Cassidy, and now this. Had he simply sweet-talked Carissa in an attempt to learn more about Ganzel? Was it more than that? What was he thinking actually sleeping with her? Was he just playing a part? Why, if he was involved with Carissa, had he come home with her just a few nights ago? The ding of the elevator pulled her into action. She stepped in and pushed the button for the lobby.

She'd have to talk to him. She didn't want to wonder.

As she exited the 1-6 she turned to the subway and the hospital. Sleep could wait. Some questions demanded answers.


	2. All Bluster

Cassidy knew Liv was pissed. He'd seen it in her face when she'd questioned him about Ganzel and Carissa, and he was sure that was why he hadn't seen her since that conversation. It also explained why that visit had been all work and no play. She had ignored his smile and kept her distance as she wrote on her flip pad. She'd left as soon as possible with excuses about reporting to Foster.

He punched at the get well balloon that was loosing helium and kept hovering over his hospital bed. The effort pulled at his stitches and caused him to wince. Hitting things and cussing at the ceiling wasn't going to help him make things right with Liv. He needed to talk to her.

He pulled out his cell and scrolled through the contacts pulling up her info. He'd taken a picture of her the other night at the bar before they'd left. She'd been half pissed at him then. She'd realized what he was doing at the last second and had rolled her eyes and turned away. He'd caught her profile. God, even half pissed she was gorgeous.

"Seriously?" she'd asked.

"Yeah, I gotta keep my contacts straight. I don't want to accidentally call Olivia Peterman, my mom's best friend, when I'm trying to get you. Talk about a downer."

"Right." She'd glanced at him and then at her empty bottle. "It's late Cassidy. I have to go."

"One more beer, for old times sake."

She sighed and shook her head. "We didn't win a case or catch a perp tonight, Cassidy." But she sat back down. They were both quiet for a moment. "I have to tell Cragen that he's on the tapes."

"Just tell him to be careful, Liv." He'd reached up and touched her shoulder. "He knows what he's done and hasn't done," he said quietly.

She'd turned to him then and studied his face. He could tell she was frustrated with this case and the lies, drama, power trips, and strings that were being pulled by the powerful, those that felt they were somehow above or outside the law. But there was something else behind her careful study of his features. She held his eyes.

"How do you," she interrupted herself, "Why do you do that?"

"What?"

"Act ridiculous."

He'd pulled a face at that. He'd been trying to help.

"You act like a 10 year old, snapping pictures and cracking jokes, and then..."

He'd interrupted her, "Gee, thanks Liv. Way to build up a guy's self esteem!"

She sighed again, turned back to the bar, but after a tense moment, looked at him again. "You're all bluster and heart Cassidy. Always have been." She paused and took a sip of the beer the bar tender had placed in front of her before turning back to him. "I didn't appreciate that before, but you're a good man and you need to know that I know you're a good cop."

He'd turned away at that, played like an idiot with the label on his beer for a few seconds, and muttered under his breath, "Yeah, would have been nice if you'd realized that thirteen years ago."


	3. Paled

(If anyone has thoughts on how to handle past tenses and flashbacks they would be greatly appreciated. I feel like the wording is a bit awkward.)

All the frustration of thirteen years ago had rushed back to him in that moment. He'd been falling in love with her only to be treated like a toy. He dug his nail forcefully into the label and down the glass of the bottle as flashes of her teasing smile and quick dismissals filled his head. "Don't get used to it."

Olivia had reached over and placed her hand on his thigh. "Cassidy," she'd waited for his hand to still on the bottle and his eyes to meet hers. "I'm sorry." She'd looked at him then with such concern and sorrow in her eyes.

He'd nodded, his lips pursed. Willing himself in that moment to let it go. She'd finally admitted she'd treated him badly, and he couldn't bring himself after all these years to treat her badly in return.

He'd once lashed out at her in the squad room, and he'd seen her face pale as she'd finally realized the level of his interest and how deeply she'd wounded him. He'd stormed out, still angry, but somewhat satisfied to have finally disturbed her world. His satisfaction had quickly dissipated as he'd realized his error. His explosion, and it had been an explosion, may have made her think twice, but it had also been extremely unprofessional and extremely public. He'd quickly apologized to the Captain, thankful that the man had been too distracted to truly see what had caused the outburst.

He'd placed his hand over Liv's, and brushed his thumb across her skin, hoping she'd receive his unspoken forgiveness. It had been too long.


	4. Content

As she waited in the subway for her train, Liv marveled at the week's events. She shook her head in frustration. How was it that she continuously got wrapped up with the wrong men? They were all wrong for so many different reasons. First Cassidy, they'd been young and drunk the first time he slept over, but she'd continued to "date" him off and on for almost 5 months before he'd left the unit. He'd been so charming, innocent, and devoted. So different from everything they saw on a daily basis.

El.

Haden had challenged her and surprised her. He'd been careful with her heart, but not careful enough. He'd also been a colleague, a disastrous combination, married or not. Now Cassidy again, but an older more jaded and cynical version of her former lover.

Her train pulled in, and she thought about that night at the bar. She had tried to pay Cassidy a complement, but he had focused on the hurt from so many years ago. It saddened her to be reminded of how careless she had been with his heart. She'd fallen into his arms on the weekends, only to rebuff and ignore him during the week. She'd apologized for stringing him along all those years ago, and while he hadn't said anything, he had squeezed her hand, before abruptly changing the subject.

"Come on, let's get out of here." Cassidy'd thrown a wad of cash on the bar, stood, and grabbed her purse off the back of her stool. He'd smiled that devilish grin of his and playfully extended his hand.

"Cassidy," she'd started to shake her head.

"No arguments Liv. We haven't hung out in 13 years. You owe me dinner and drinks at a decent restaurant."

They'd ended up at a little café 3 blocks from her apartment, and she'd given him more dirt on Munch and Cragen than he'd ever need. They'd laughed at some of Munch's more outlandish theories and Cragen's fabulous one-liners. They'd talked about Ganzel, life undercover, and even briefly about Elliot. The café closed early, and they'd purchased a bottle of wine and wandered towards her apartment. It'd been a great night, and as they'd sat in her living room chatting about inconsequential things, things that had no bearing on anyone's life or death, court cases, trauma, or pain, she'd felt warm and content for the first time in months.

"Ha. I can't believe Munch didn't shoot you for plastering his car with all of those Spice Girl bumper stickers."

"I know, right." Cassidy shook his head at the memory and laughed, picturing Munch's outrage when he'd come in from the garage. "He did make me peal them all off though."

Liv grinned, and they settled into a comfortable silence. She sipped the last of her wine and offered Cassidy a refill to finish off the bottle. Cassidy accepted, but once the glass was poured, he sat it on the side table and settled his arm along the back of the sofa.

He turned to her and sighed. "You know Liv, you always were the smartest… and the prettiest." His hand had found it's way to her shoulder, resting there for a second before brushing her hair back behind her ear.

"Cassidy," she'd started to interrupt him, but he stopped her with a finger to her lips.

"I know. I'll never be good enough for you." Even though his words implied he had no intention of pursuing her again, he had shifted closer to her on the sofa. The fingers that had stilled her words now cradled her face.

Liv thought about those early days and the sweet spirit that he'd hidden under bravado. A spirit that hadn't been able to bear the crimes against women. She looked into his eyes, "Cassidy, I was never too good for you. We worked together."

He'd slowly dropped his hand and looked away at her words. It never had been a legitimate excuse in his mind.

"You always had the biggest heart." Maybe it had been the wine, or maybe it was the her wish to follow him and escape the pain and sheer horrors she witnessed on a daily basis, but she desperately wanted him to know that he was important. That he was a good cop and a good guy. That he deserved the best from life. She'd reached out to him in that moment, held his face in her hands, and kissed him gently.


	5. Flashes

There had been flashes. Flashes across his mind's eye of nights ages past. Of furious kisses, gentle kisses, fumbling fingers, sure hands, deep brown eyes, smooth golden skin, brilliant smiles, full laughter, bliss, hope, and contentment. He'd pushed the pain, rejection, and loss away and let himself drift in her kiss and her arms.

When he woke a few hours later, he found himself, once again, with Liv tucked in his arms. As he lay there, listening to her even breathing, absently brushing her long dark hair through his fingers, he desperately prayed that history wouldn't repeat itself. She was without a doubt the best and most devastating thing that had ever happened to him. Even all this time later, with all of the years, relationships, cases, and mistakes that had passed between them. He always thought of her. He thought of her whenever a girlfriend laughed whole-heartedly, brushed her hair behind her ear, furrowed her brow and looked at him with a question, or teased him mercilessly. Everything always came back to the woman in his arms.

He heard the muffled buzz of a phone and glanced at Liv's clock. 5:30. He sighed and quickly pulled himself away from her, reaching for his pants before the music kicked in on his phone's alarm and disturbed her. He reached it just in time and swiped his finger across the screen. He caught himself before cursing. Three messages from Carissa. He quickly checked to make sure Liv was still sleeping and headed for the bathroom.

With the first message she'd cancelled their dinner plans. He was glad he'd forgotten them. In the second, she'd simply asked him to call her back, and with the third she'd impatiently asked where he was with a few choice words thrown in for effect. It was probably good that she was mad at him. Things would be less messy when this case finally wrapped up. It'd seem like less of a betrayal when he turned their pillow talk against Ganzel. He listened to the last message again. Did she seem nervous? Maybe. Something was nagging him about that last call. He sighed and quickly searched Liv's cabinet for a towel. As much as he'd love to crawl back into bed and forget Carissa and Ganzel, he needed to check on the girl.

Ten minutes later, he gently opened the door to check on Liv, and was surprised to find her missing. He searched the living room and kitchen, before finding the key and note she'd left on his pillow.

Cragen called.

Drop the key in my mailbox.

-L


End file.
